Title: Parent-Child Relationship Question: Parent-Child relationship We read in the Quran that we cannot even say uf to our parents and that our treatment of them should be the very best. But for example in a situation like this what should the children do:  there is discord b/w the parents and they do not even speak to each other and all way of communication is finished especially due to the uncompromising attitude of the father. Now what happens is that due to all this the children are caught in b/w the parents problems and they develop a lot of psychological problems. Also they are restricted by their dad in doing a lot of normal activities that people of their age are normally doing, usually nothing that crosses cultural or religious bounds e.g going to a friend's house, keeping up relations with relatives or friends. These restrictions are not imposed verbally saying you can't go but  creating situations in which it is impossible to go or after giving permission like yelling and bad mouthing and creating a bad atmosphere before leaving the house and also after coming back so that to avoid a bad situation at home the person usually ends up not going at all. So what happens is that sometimes after tolerating a lot of yelling and bad mouthing we sometimes end up being very rude to our father. But usually that is after a lot of insults and bad words have been said for many days that our tolerance breaks. Usually stuff that is said to us is sometimes not even our fault but we still have to endure being yelled at for it. I know it's bad to be rude to our parents but the situation at our home is so bad and even if we don't do anything wrong our father says that we are bad and and rebellious. He is also always saying insulting stuff about our mum and we don't like that and sometimes we have a fight over this. Also from time to time our dad stops giving our expense or gives them in an insufficient amount saying we don't deserve it. We are grown up now and highly educated enough to be able to make a living but are not allowed to do this until it is on our dad's terms e.g your timings should be according to what I say etc. It is impossible to dictate timings according to our our likes and dislikes. So long as we don't have to leave the house at all our father is happy. In the end we feel trapped and suffocated and have virtually no social life or a way of earning some money. This is a brief outline of our very bad situation that we are powerless to change. So after explaining this situation my questions are: Is it not the duty of our father to provide for us according to Islam? Is it permissible for him to stop giving our expenses from time to time? If we fall ill frequently is this Gods way of punishing us? Is there permission in Islam for a girl to go abroad for pursuing higher studies if Islamic values are adhered to? If a person is irritable or loses her temper frequently due to illness as the doctor has explained will that be counted as a sin as the doc says that it is not in my control because of anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder? If a person leaves her father but has the permission of the mother to leave home to pursue a career or higher studies will that be a sin because the doc has told my mum that because of my environment I have become ill and don't have the potential to do anything until I am completely alright but that is not possible in our home environment so I should rest and relax but that is impossible at home. My dad has never treated my mum well and never listens to her. Finally does a person have to get married if they know thy are not mentally prepared for it? We hear a lot about parents rights in Islam. Are there any rights of children in Islam or can the parents treat their child any way they like to the extent of making them psychiatric patients? Please answer all my questions in the light of what Islam says about a situation like this. I really like your website as it gives open minded insight into our religion which makes it easy for us to follow it instead of making it rigid and difficult to follow. Finally I'm sorry this is such a long letter and I hope I have followed all you rules for writing it. I would request you to keep this letter  private and not print it on your web page or in any other publication of yours as my dad reads your publications and works etc and I would get into big trouble if he finds out that I have asked you these questions. In the end I am thankful to God for whatever he has given to us in our lives, some people don't even have this much but my mind is so confused and overwhelmed that I don't know how to become well or how to change the situation in my life and that is very depressing. Answer: I really feel your concern and appreciate your patience and family commitment. We have been sent here for test and trial and our Creator wants to judge who returns to Him with a record of the good and who meets Him laden with the burden of evil and bad deeds. All of us are sitting in an examination hall with no exception, however, the style and pattern of exam is different. I think, you have been given the paper of patience and God wants to see how much you are patient and how you fulfill God's commandments in this particular situation. Our duty is just to obey the commandments of God. If in a particular condition you have done your job then you should be satisfied, as you would not be held responsible. The primary question, that we have to decide, is that in a specific situation and in particular circumstances, what are the commandments, which we have to obey. In your case you are not allowed to disrespect your father or mother under any circumstances. However, their eternal well being demands that you should try to have a better dialogue with them especially with your father so that they should be saved form the wrath of God. Try to see the close friends of your father and explain the situation to them, if you feel that they can be of any help. Perhaps they would be able to communicate with him more effectively. Moreover, open your heart before him in a cool and calm way and tell him in detail what your concerns are and also try to narrate that we all are accountable for our each and every action. He is your father; he would insha'Allah feel your concern. Try to make him realize the real intensity of your concern and the gravity of the problem. Assure him that whatever you are doing is for his benefit and that you are not a 'member of the opposition'.  Remember, it is not our duty to correct the people and force them to adopt the path, which we consider right. On the contrary, our duty ends at trying our best to mend their ways. We are bound to be overpowered with tension and frustration when we start thinking that the rectification and correction of people around us is our responsibility. Try to appreciate the difference between forcing some one to the right path and that of showing that path with all clarity. Your duty is to show the picture of the right path in a better and a more effective way. The rest is up to them.  Moreover praying to God will certainly relieve your tension. He is the one, who can solve all our problems, while not a single problem can be solved without His permission. Present your distresses and your helplessness before Him, from the depths of your heart, imploring Him to help you through His abounding mercy. Completely surrender before Him. This surrender would most certainly pull you out of your agony. Now, after this protracted preamble, I come to your queries. Islam is certainly a religion of balance and it assigns certain duties and rights to every individual; however, this is commendable if we regard our duties more than our rights and in turn it will resolve so many problems not only at individual level but at collective level also. Of course it is the duty of your father to provide you reasonably within his sources. It is not permissible for him to stop giving you essential and required expenses, however, other things remaining the same, is a prerequisite. Ailment or some disease is not necessarily a symbol of God's punishment; rather it is another way of testing and examining His creatures. Going abroad for higher studies is permissible in Islam for women also, provided the basic Islamic requirements and traditions must be adhered to in their real sense. It can be hoped from the abounding mercy of God that irritation or losing temper which is beyond control or human limits would be forgiven provided a person observes the required steps to control or overcome the situation. The permission of a mother will suffice provided a person decides honestly that there is no way out of this situation and there is no alternative for these studies. For marriage, the consent of the individual should be sought and the person reserves the rights of veto.  However, the positive traditions of the family should also be given a due weight age in this respect. No doubt, children have rights just as parents have them, and the parents should avoid such ill treatment with out justification. And in the end I would like to add that we will have to justify each and every action of ours before the Almighty and before taking any step we should decide very honestly that whether we would be able to justify our actions before Him on the day when we will have to stand before him alone and there will be no one to favour us.  Regards, Siddiq Bukhary April 15, 2003