Title: My Mother and the "Other Woman" Question: Thank you for taking the time to reply to my questions regarding the role of a mother in a marriage - I sincerely appreciate it. I have been told that heaven lies at the feet of the mother and if I do not do everything she wants I will be punished is this true? What is my responsibility to my mother - as long as I don't disrespect or be rude to her can I hold her accountable for her actions instead of letting her get away with doing the wrong thing? If she continues to cause problems (when she knows very well that what she is doing is wrong and is causing problems for me) and I have tried everything to make her see logic and reason can I choose not to talk to her until she mends her ways? I am married - who's needs am I more responsible for my wife or my mothers? Should I consider my mother more important than my wife? Is it right for a mother to view her daughter-in -law as the 'other woman' and compare herself to her? Answer: Parents are regarded greatly in Islam and children are expected to give them the honor and respect they deserve. Islam puts great emphasis on the family and it acknowledges the parent's role for the cohesiveness of the family; the mother, for her incomparable role in the bringing up of a child, has great significance but so too does the father for his role. Neither parent is given more importance from a religious perspective. Even with this esteem given to parents it should not be accepted that if one does not do everything a parent asks then they will be punished. One's responsibility is respect, honor and love. Children should behave with great care and heedfulness with their parent's feelings especially when the parent is requesting something of them. However this does not apply to every situation as circumstances may be that the parents may be asking for something unreasonable. That being the case some children may acquiesce to their parent's requests but it is not required of them to do so as a religious duty. If your mother is giving you problems then you should try your hardest to appeal to her heart. The "logic" that you may be using may not work with her. Explain to her how she is actually hurting you and if she truly loves you this is not the way to do things. Reassure her of her status, even if you repeatedly have to mention it. Let her know how much you love her and that no one compares or is equal to her, after all she is your mother. The problem with trying to hold her accountable for anything may backfire in that it may cause more tension than relief. Try your best to help her see what is correct by reaching into her sensitivities. If however, her behavior is such as being intolerable then you may have to allow her to realize that she is creating a great schism between the both of you which may result in you avoiding her. This would not be against the Shari'ah (i.e. Islamic Law), but kindness and gentleness would be more in consonance with it. The responsibility towards your wife is something that at this point would be paramount. This is really not an Islamic issue but rather more related to the nature of marriage. Whatever the case the choice is personal, though it would seem more correct to tend to your wife's needs as you have greater responsibility via contractual agreement. If your mother sees herself as "the other woman" that would simply be a question of her mind frame. There is absolutely no reason for such a stance. A number of solutions are available that you may want to consider. However, it may not be that serious and more related to your mother's emotional level than anything else. No matter what the case is, though your mother is incredibly important your duties according to your marriage vows should be prioritized towards your wife; your immediately family. I hope I have clarified the issue. God knows best. Ronnie Hassan March 28, 2005