Holding a Grudge
Question
Assalamoalaikum, I have a question regarding holding onto gurdges and anger. If someone mistreats you, and u eventually stop talking to such a person is that wrong? Also what if this person asks for forgiveness and wants to be on good terms with you without really rectifying his/her behaviour and without really realizing where he/she was wrong. I am in such a situation and even though for the sake of humanity I respond decently to this person, I cannot let go of the anger I have inside me and it comes back everytime we happen to converse. How do you let go of old grudges and forgive? I have prayed a lot and asked Allah to give me the strength to forgive yet I cannot bring myself to be on good terms with him. This is specially because of the fact that the other person doesnt realize anything. I want to be at peace. I know this question sounds weird but I was thinking maybe if you could quote something from the Quran and Sunnah I would find it easier to let go and forgive?
Answer
Assalamu Alaykum, Our Lord does not hold grudge against others, He is forgiving and He gives people opportunity to correct themselves. He remains angry with people who know their mistakes, do not try to correct them and keep doing them. I think as His servants we need to behave as much as possible like Him. I think it is our duty to let someone know if we have felt annoyance with any of his behaviour, in fact this is very much in line with our duty as a Muslim (and a human being) to advise people (specially loved ones and friends) against bad behaviour. If we do not do this then how we can expect the person to offer any regret or explanation and to correct his behaviour if that was necessary? As human beings we deserve to know our mistakes and we deserve to be told if our actions have annoyed some one, likewise. The grudge that you are talking about is the result of the anger that you feel when you think that he has no idea about the fact that he has annoyed you. I think the grudge will go if you explain to the person that at some point, his behaviour had annoyed you. Last point, if we cannot afford to forgive people who annoy us, how can we afford to expect the Almighty to forgive our sins? It is interesting that in the following verse "being forgiven by God" is associated with "forgiving others": And race towards God's forgiveness and paradise, the expanse of which is like that of the heavens and the earth, which has especially been prepared for the God fearing: those who spend [their wealth in the way of God] – be it prosperity or stringency – and those who keep their anger in check and forgive (these) people and God likes righteous. - Ala 'Imran 3:133-134 Very much in line with the above verses, we read the following advice as reported from Jesus' sermon on the mount. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Lord will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Lord forgive your trespasses. - Matthew 6:14-15 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, when my brother won't stop doing wrong to me, how many times must I forgive him? Should I forgive him as many as seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, you must forgive him more than seven times. You must continue to forgive him even if he does wrong to you seventy-seven times. - Matthew 18:21-22 Answer published by Abdullah Rahim
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