Topic Under Discussion Beating Wives... Question Questionfrom Pakistan Thank you for such a swift reply. I very much appreciate you taking the time to discuss this matter with me. I realize you are quite busy and to give a portion of your time toward this discussion is very kind of you. You write: When I say that when a wife "adopts an attitude of refusal to fulfill the sexual or other needs of her husband", it implies that it is not a matter of "not being in the mood", and not even lack of empathy, but rather a matter of refusal to be considerate towards the other partner. A man can also adopt the same attitude toward his partner. If this is the case a woman must go to a third party and put forth her case. I am not saying that a woman can always refuse, but that a husband has no right to beat her when she does. If he feels that his wife's lack of interest in sex is actually being inconsiderate to him and to their relationship, he, like his wife, should take the matter to a third party for mediation. To give a man authority to strike his wife, whether he actually does so or not, puts fear into the heart of a woman. A woman (like a man) should only fear God's anger. You write: As an example, it is one thing to disagree on something and an absolutely different thing to adopt an attitude of "refusal to agree". Again, I agree that to refuse on a regular basis out of spite or anger is not right. The husband should take his complaint to a third party and both should put forth their complaints. Please remember, the attitude you describe can be taken on by both wife and husband. We must assume such an attitude is actually a symptom of a bigger problem that brute force will not eliminate. Allowing a husband to strike his wife will in many cases actually hide the actual problem by removing its symptoms. Going to a third party will force the root of the problem to be discovered and eliminated, thus creating a better, stronger marriage. You write: Islam has considered fornication as one of the biggest sins... not just against an individual, but against the society. Sexual relationship, in Islam is only allowed between a man and his wife. Islam recognizes that the fulfillment of sexual needs like other natural needs is necessary for living a healthy life. It is because of this reason that in my opinion, if a wife refuses (not just that she is not in the mood) to cooperate with her husband, in matters relating to his sexual needs, it might ultimately result in his looking to fulfill his desires from such other places which Islam has prohibited. This would ultimately not only spoil the mutual relationship of the husband and wife but may also result in the ultimate doom of the man in the hereafter. It is because of this reason that in my opinion such a situation, in certain cases may amount to " Nushooz ". A woman can also commit fornication. As you said a sexual relationship is only allowed between a husband and wife. The fear of fornication is not the issue. The issue is, does the husband have the right to strike his wife when he feels that the wife is being unreasonable in refusing sex? A woman may not strike her husband for refusing sex, yet fornication for her is as great a sin as it is for her husband. If a woman feels her husband is being inconsiderate in the amount of sex they share, she goes to a mediator to determine if they agree with her assessment of the situation before a solution is issued. A man must also go to a third party to verify his interpretation of the situation. In many cases a man may think a woman is being unreasonable and strike her so she will consent (rape her) Going to a third party ensures that a husband and a wife understand each other's needs instead of simply fulfilling them. Forced sex (rape) is never a solution. You write: I would like to stress here that this is strictly my opinion. It is not a specific directive of Islam. What the Qur'an has directed is that when a person fears an attitude of " Nushooz " (refusal to accept authority) from his wife, he should adopt the process mentioned in 4: 34. In this process, if he thinks that a light beating may result in improving the situation, he may opt for it. But as far as determining what exactly is and what is not a situation where a wife can be said to have adopted an attitude of " Nushooz " has been left on people to decide. Thus, I may think that such and such situation amounts to " Nushooz " while another person may not. This is another good point. A husband may think a matter " Nushooz " a wife not. A third party can verify whether it is or not. To allow a husband *on his own* to make the determination if his wife is justified in her refusal is actually allowing him to determine what rights his wife has under Islam. God has given women rights, it is the responsibility of the community to ensure that these rights are granted. By giving a husband authority to determine what is " Nushooz ", a woman's rights are no longer granted by the community but by her husband. That is not only unfair to the wife but also the husband. A simple misjudgment on his part (and its easy for an individual to make mistakes) could mean depriving his wife of her rights given to her by God. What God has given, man may not take. You write: Because the matter can be quite subjective at times, Islam has imposed two checks so that the man (who is given authority in this case) may not misuse his authority. The first check is that a woman who feels that she is not being dealt with properly, may take her plea to the court of law, where it would be judged whether the man has wrongfully used the authority delegated to him by his Creator. By the time a wife goes to the court of law, she has already been raped. Her husband should take the case to a third party BEFORE sex is forced or any other 'punishment' is imposed, not after. This first check should not be necessary because the mediator has decided whether or not the wife (or the husband) is being unreasonable. You write: The second check, is that the man must not forget that soon he shall face his Lord and shall be made to answer for all that he does in this world. He must not forget that if he does not treat his wife in the proper way, he shall have to face the consequences of such misbehavior when he meets his Lord. And He must not forget that his Lord is the most mighty, the supreme. This is exactly what the words at the end of the verse in question imply. "Indeed God is most powerful, the supreme". Nor should a woman forget. This is the greatest check. Unfortunately, not all obey God as they should. When left alone with power it is easy to stray. To give a man such power, is giving him a greater chance to deprive a woman of her rights for which he will be judged. By getting a third party to mediate, both the man and the woman can be sure that they are acting in accordance to God's will. A husband should never act as if he knows a woman's heart and reasonings. Only God knows. You write: Do let me know if you still think that my opinion is not correct. This only gives me a chance to reconsider my opinions and to make them more precise and accurate. I still do not agree with your opinion. A human being, by definition, is prone to error and *alone* should never be allowed to dispense justice even in the case of " Nushooz ". Even in the case of parent and child, God gave a child two parents so they can balance each other. There is no one to balance your definition of " Nushooz ". One individual should never try to control another's actions especially by force. This is a very dangerous thing for all parties involved and for society as a whole. Thank you for taking the time to discuss this issue with me. I realize you are very busy. I was very surprised to receive an answer so quickly. I look forward to your response when you have time to write. Peace to you and those around you Answer I once again apologize for the unusual delay in my response, and would once again like to remind you that there is always a possibility of a difference of interpretation of a literature. Therefore, it seems that it would be more beneficial for me if you could kindly point out what, in your opinion, is the meaning of the related verses of the Qur'an and why do you think my interpretation is not correct. You write: A man can also adopt the same attitude toward his partner. If this is the case a woman must go to a third party and put forth her case. I am not saying that a woman can always refuse, but that a husband has no right to beat her when she does. If he feels that his wife's lack of interest in sex is actually being inconsiderate to him and to their relationship, he, like his wife, should take the matter to a third party for mediation. To give a man authority to strike his wife, whether he actually does so or not, puts fear into the heart of a woman. A woman (like a man) should only fear God's anger. I never said that a husband should start beating his wife if she refuses to have sex with him. What I said was that if a woman refuses to be considerate towards the needs of her husband, or in other words refuses to accept the position of her husband, a husband may follow the directives given in the referred verse. As far as your suggestion that a husband should, in such a case, take the matter to a third party for mediation is concerned, such an action on the husband's part is not forbidden by the Shari`ah . It is only that if a husband feels that his wife shall become more considerate, he should very lovingly admonish and advise her to correct her attitude, if she refuses to correct her attitude, he may, if he feels that such an action shall have a positive result, resolve to a discontinuation of an intimate relationship with her. If his wife is still not willing to change her attitude, he may, if he believes that such an action shall have a positive result, lightly beat her. I really believe that involving third parties leaves behind "cracks" in a relationship, even if the situation seems to be temporarily resolved. It is exactly for this purpose that the Qur'an has only suggested involving third parties, in case the situation seems bound to result in a divorce. Otherwise, it is definitely in the interest of both the husband and the wife that they resolve the situation between themselves. In my opinion, if the husband refuses to be considerate towards his wife or if he refuses to accept her position, in other words, if there is " Nushooz " on the husband's part, the wife has the right to "talk him out of such an attitude", just like the husband. If he refuses to correct his attitude, the wife may distant herself from him in matters of his sexual gratification. There is nothing in the Shari`ah which is against such corrective measures of the wife. In fact, if the woman believes that such actions on her part shall result in the correction of the husband's behavior, there is no harm if she opts for them. What I actually want to clarify is that your statement "If this is the case a woman must go to a third party and put forth her case" is not a requirement of the Shari`ah . The words of the Qur'an in this particular case are: If a woman fears Nushooz on the part of her husband, there is no harm in their seeking a correction between them, for correction is best. (4: 128) Moreover, it must be remembered, that the "beating" referred to in the verse under consideration is under specific circumstances only. The purpose is not to develop a fear in the wife's heart. Under normal circumstances, it should be the mutual love and regard for each other that should bind the two together. It is just like the fact that a state is given authority to penalize its citizens under specific circumstances, not to develop such a fear in their hearts, which runs parallel with the fear of God, but to help them live a peaceful life. You write: Allowing a husband to strike his wife will in many cases actually hide the actual problem by removing its symptoms. Going to a third party will force the root of the problem to be discovered and eliminated, thus creating a better, stronger marriage. This could only be said if the Qur'an had directed the husband to start beating his wife as soon as a problem started making its appearance, which, as you know, is not the case. The Qur'an has actually positively directed the husband to resolve the problem through discussion, advise and admonition. I don't think that if the course of action prescribed by the Qur'an is followed, the objection that you have raised shall apply [1] . In case you feel that the point should be considered in even more detail, I shall be glad to do so. But in that case, I would request that you may kindly divide the whole issue into parts and then sequentially discuss those parts. In this way there would be a better chance of our being able to resolve the difference in our opinion regarding the issue. 1 st December 1998 [1] In fact, the directives of the Qur'an provide a hinderance to domestic abuse as without first going through the first two stages, i.e. of admonition and severing of intimate relationships, a person must not take any harsh steps against his wife. In most of the cases, where both the parties to a marriage are sincere in their efforts of saving the family from breaking-up, a correction is likely to take place in the first or the second stage and it would, thus, no longer remain necessary to resort to the third stage. This directive of the Qur'an has, thus, in fact, hindered the husbands from beating their wives. (Moiz Amjad 19 th June 2000) Answer published by Moiz Amjad Other Discussion(s) related to the Question Further Exchange on 'Beating Wives' - 1 Further Exchange on 'Beating Wives' - 2 Further Exchange on 'Beating Wives' - 3 Further Exchange on 'Beating Wives' - 4 Author's Note on the Preceding Discussion Beating Wives