Topic Under Discussion Living Together after Divorce... Question Questionfrom Pakistan My husband wants divorce because of cultural differences and because he is no longer attracted to me (I guess). These issues would only be resolved to the extent that he could leave when he was too upset with our differences. He is African and I am American. Would I be wrong to ask him some of the questions you asked me in your last response? I agree that living together would offer opportunity for use to rebuild the relationship and that it is best for us to do that as a married couple. Your wording is so eloquent. How do you suggest I approach him about staying married and not interfering with each other's affairs? I suggested it before but he refused because the situation would be oppressive because I would not be sexually gratified. What can you tell me about that issue? Thank you for helping me think this through positively. Answer The question, as I understood it, was whether, for the sake of the well being of a child and to provide a complete family environment to the child, a couple can resolve to live together after divorce or not. As you mentioned in the opening of your letter, you had asked this question because your (to be) ex-husband had proposed to do so for the sake of the child. My previous answer should be seen strictly in this perspective. I do not suggest that the couple should not go through divorce - neither do I suggest the opposite - for the simple reason that I do not know how grave the differences between the two are. My suggestion was strictly in the context of the consideration of living together after divorce. I am of the view that if the couple is prepared to live together - for whatever reasons - then there is room for at least the postponement of divorce - if not for avoiding it completely. You write: "Would I be wrong to ask him some of the questions you asked me in your last response". I do not see any reason why you should think it would be wrong to do so. You should try your best - even in the face of your husband's, apparently, inflexible stance - to resolve the situation in a way that seems best for everyone and pray to God that He blesses your efforts with success. I assure you, your efforts to save your family from breaking-up would be in complete compliance with the directives of the Shari`ah , and you shall, insha'Allah , be rewarded for them. You write: "I suggested it before but he refused because the situation would be oppressive because I would not be sexually gratified". I thought this would be the main reason for resorting to divorce. However, what I do not fully understand is how would the couple be sexually gratified, if they lived together after divorce. Obviously, living together would only be possible till the time that either of the two decides to get married. However, getting married in such a state would actually imply depriving the child of one of the two parents, which would be considered a psychological barrier in marriage even at that time. Moreover, it also seems that living together after divorce is not likely to provide the child with the desired 'complete family environment', because of the simple reason that the 'complete family' would actually be non-existent. I am sure, you would easily appreciate the fact that it is not just the physical presence of the two parents that gives the child the 'complete family' environment, it is rather the child's silent and unconscious observation of the interpersonal relationships that gives it the complete environment. That environment would obviously be lacking for the child, which is likely to play a more negative role in the development of the child's emotional and psychological personality than would have been the case otherwise. What I would suggest is that you ask your husband to lay down the points which he thinks would have a more positive effect on the up-bringing of the child by living together after divorce as compared to not resorting to divorce and maintaining a slightly distant relationship. Keep in mind that the two alternatives being considered are not 'divorce' or 'no-divorce' but: 'living together after divorce' (for the sake of the child) till the time that anyone of the two decides to get married to someone else and then live separate lives; or 'avoiding divorce' (for the sake of the child) till the time that anyone of the two decides that it is no longer possible for him/her to live with the other and therefore they have to live their separate lives. I hope and pray that God guides you to the solution that is best not only for the two of you (from both the aspect of this life as well as the hereafter) but also for your child. My thoughts may please be considered as suggestions of a friend, not an expert. As I have stated earlier, I am NOT an expert in social relations. These thoughts are only based on my observation of human relations at a lay-man's level. 16 th January 2000 Answer published by Moiz Amjad Other Discussion(s) related to the Question A Further Exchange on 'Living together after Divorce' - 2