Parental
Consent in Marriage
The poise and balance of a society heavily depends on
the poise and balance of the attitudes and tendencies of its people. Whenever human
attitudes cross their natural limits disorder and discord result. In particular, the
stability of a society is threatened with dire consequences if people vested with
political or moral authority misuse this sacred trust of Allah. A despotic ruler often
faces popular revolt; a tyrannical husband soon encounters a defiant wife; oppressive
parents inevitably groom rebellious children. It is necessary to curb this tendency of
power to corrupt in order to build a healthy and prosperous society.
The ongoing debate on the extent of authority of
parents over their children's choice to marry is one such case in point. As always, two
distinct opinions have emerged. One of them is that a man or a woman is totally free in
making his or her decision about the choice of partner and has the right to overrule the
opinion of the parents or the guardian. The second is that the opinion of the parents is
in all cases binding and must necessarily be kept in consideration. Though a particular
case has initiated this debate, we believe that perhaps it would be more fruitful to view
the whole matter in principle in the light of the guidance provided by the Qur'an and
Sunnah and by the established principles of reason and intellect.
A word here about the nature of divine guidance seems
appropriate. The basic aim of this guidance is to reveal to mankind the ariston metron or
the golden mean. This golden mean is the summit of balance and the prime of poise in all
the affairs of life. It is evident from the nature of Qur'anic guidance that for most
matters man's intellect is enough to show him the way. However, this intellect often
falters in maintaining a balance. Extremes engender extremes and reactions originate
reactions unless, of course, the lighthouse of revelation guides the armada of reason.
We shall now attempt to explain the viewpoint of
Islam on the issue under consideration. In order to do so, it is necessary to understand
two basic principles it has established in this regard. Firstly, it regards the
institution of family as the basis of its social order. Secondly, it gives great
importance to freedom in decision making by the man and woman who intend to marry. It is
its intense desire that the institution of family and the freedom of choice in marriage be
given utmost consideration and only rare circumstances should allow an exception to these
principles. Both of them need some elaboration.
Islam regards the institution of family as the basic
unit of a society and stresses that it is the need of every individual if his life is
viewed as a whole. Man is basically a weak and an insecure being. He has spiritual as well
as material needs. Just as he needs to develop a strong relationship with the Almighty to
fulfil his spiritual needs, he also needs to develop a strong relationship with his fellow
human beings to fulfil his material needs. Islam says that a man and a woman must come
together in a permanent bond of wedlock to create a family to fulfil these material needs
which may be physical, emotional and psychological. A man and a woman taken separately,
are incomplete in their existence. Both need each other to fill the voids of their
personalities. There are some responsibilities which only a man can fulfil and others
which only a woman can. Furthermore, since these requirements are everlasting, any
temporary relationship between a man and a woman can never be truly fruitful. The
Qur'an says that marriage is a means of solace and comfort for a man and a woman:
And among His signs is that He
created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them
and He has planted love and kindness between you. (30:21)
Besides providing peace and tranquillity to the
spouses, the role a family set up plays in fulfilling the needs of the individual born to
a family is apparent to every keen eye. He passes the first half of his life in
transforming from a child to a mature young man and the second half in transforming from a
mature young man to an old man. In the greater part of the first period, he needs the love
and affection of his parents. As an infant 'ewling and puking in the nurse's
arms', his meek and helpless existence need the love and affection of a mother and a
father. It is only proper parental care which makes him feel secure and confident. Since
parents are the first seat of learning, the base they build in moulding his character and
in instructing him plays a vital role in the later part of his life.*
Grandparents also have an all important role to play:
They imbue their grandchildren with the priceless wealth of wisdom and experience which
helps them in traversing the rugged terrain of life. Brothers and sisters also make
important contributions in developing his personality. The older ones are actually an
extension of the parental role while the younger ones create in him an initial awareness
of parenthood. Once a person reaches a mature age, certain other needs arise in him which
must be fulfilled. It is at this stage that a man and a woman need each other to
complement and complete one another. This relationship is the only means of providing
emotional fulfilment and satisfaction to the spouses, which is the primary need that
brings them together and they now also assume the role of the progenitors of a new family
to start the cycle once again. In the second phase of life, an individual advances from
the exuberant years of youth to enter the folds of old age. It is now that he needs the
love and protection of his grown up children. In this state of 'second childishness
and mere oblivion', which is 'sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans
everything', it is only the set up of a family which can properly support him.
Without such a support, old age is the worst form of affliction. No one else except the
children have a strong attachment to their parents. It is this attachment which urges them
to return in some form the support and affection they had once received from their
parents.
Besides these primary relationships, the secondary
relationships like maternal aunts and uncles and paternal aunts, cousin brothers and
cousin sisters, nieces and nephews perform in a wider perspective the same function as the
primary ones. The components of a family constitute a small community which if
administered properly by the head of the family makes the basic unit of a society healthy.
The Encyclopaedia of Social Sciences while explaining
the advantages of the set up of a family says:
The nature and development of the
family have deep roots in the physiological conditions of human mating, reproduction and
education. The exceptional prolongation of infancy as a state of helplessness and
immaturity is one of the most instinctive features of mankind generally. Through it the
role of the parents as well as of other relatives in nourishing, protecting and educating
offspring is of the utmost importance for the individual and for society. However fixed
the inherited traits and gifts of the individual may be, the child's necessary social
equipment is doubtless acquired only through a circumstantial and long continued process
of artificial training and adaptation. The family has been the chief bearer and medium of
this process, which also vitalises the relations between the parents and in the wider
sense between all the members of a blood relationship, for they are connected from
generation to generation by the awareness of this social tradition. (vol 6, p 68)
The western world, over the last fifty years, however
seems lost and confused on the importance of the institution of family. The feminist
movement which began two centuries ago is now culminating in the disruption of this age
old institution. The western world is bemoaning the loss of family values but perhaps it
is just too late.
Islam on the other hand, as mentioned earlier, has
always insisted that the institution of family is the basic building block of the society
and it is in the interest of humanity to adhere to a family oriented society.
Consequently, it has given a number of directives for the protection and preservation of
the family. We shall mention some of these:
It says that a man and woman must come together in a
permanent bond of marriage and must not indulge in extra-marital relationships since they
dismember the institution of family. It prescribes severe punishments for people who are
guilty of adultery and ostracises them from the society.
It lays down a whole code of social etiquette and communal conduct to safeguard and
protect chastity and modesty which themselves are necessary for the well-being of a family
set up.
It regards the husband as head of the family because his temperament and disposition are
more suited for this task.
It is of the view that all differences of opinion
between the husband and wife should generally be resolved in an atmosphere of mutual trust
and confidence. However, if a situation of anarchy and disorder arises which threatens to
disrupt the whole family set-up, the wife must adopt an attitude of submission and
adjustment.
It invests the husband with certain powers to deal
with a wife who adopts a rebellious attitude with him and stands up against his authority,
just as an affectionate mother has the authority to admonish her children to correct them.
It holds the parents responsible for the proper
upbringing of their children.
It urges the children to be very kind and
compassionate to their parents, especially in old age.
It wants the mothers to regard the house as the
centre of their activities (which of course does not mean that they cannot go out) so that
they can give due attention to the future generations and are able to provide their
husbands with solace and comfort.
It says that if ever a divorce is to end a family set
up, a certain prescribed procedure should be followed in letter and spirit since this
procedure ensures that the dissolution of marriage passes through an interim phase in
which the decision has ample time to be reconsidered.
It maintains that if a divorced woman intends to
start a new family, her former husband or his relatives must in no way obstruct her.
Among these directives also comes the Prophet's
hadith the interpretation of which has become the centre of controversy these days:
A Nikah does not solemnise
unless it takes place through the guardian and if someone does not have a guardian the
ruler of the Muslims is his guardian. (Tirmizii Kitaab-un- nikah)
This hadith is actually a corollary of the social
directives of Islam pertaining to the institution of family and is based on great wisdom.
Since the preservation and protection of the family set up is of paramount importance to
Islam, it is but natural that each marriage take place through the consent of the parents
who are the foremost guardians. It is obvious that a marriage solemnised through the
consent of the parents shields and shelters the newly formed family. For reasons stated
earlier, it is essential that the newly formed family be part of another larger family.
However, as is evident from the hadith also, there
can always be an exception to this general principle. If a man and a woman feel that the
rejection on the part of the parents has no sound reasoning behind it or that the parents,
owing to some reason, are not appreciating the grounds of this union, they have all the
right to take this matter to the courts of justice. It is now up to the court to analyse
and evaluate the whole affair. If it is satisfied with the stance of the man and woman, it
can give a green signal to them. In this case, as is apparent from the hadith, the state
shall be considered the guardian of the couple. On the other hand, if the court is of the
view that the stand of the parents is valid, it can stop the concerned parties from
engaging in wedlock. Similarly, if a case is brought before the judicial forums in which
the marriage has taken place without the consent of the parents, it is up to the court to
decide the fate of such a liaison. If it is not satisfied with the grounds of this union,
it can order for their separation and if it is satisfied, it can endorse the decision
taken by the couple.
This is the law as far as this issue is concerned.
However, it is evident that laws mostly cater for extreme situations as their nature is
preventive not reformatory. In other words, they prevent the spreading of anarchy and
disorder in a society but have no role in positively building a society on a certain
ideology. It is the utmost goal of Islam to build a society in which traditions are so
deeply rooted that various affairs are settled and resolved within the social
structure without taking them to the courts. Family affairs, if taken to the courts,
become the talk of the town and severely damage the standing and reputation of the parties
involved. Consequently, it is in the interest of the parties involved to settle their
differences mutually by giving due importance to the ultimate goal of protecting the
institution of family.
The society which, we believe, Islam wants to build
is one in which the relationship between parents and children is based on such norms and
values as protect the family set up. In such a society, if an individual has to select a
life partner for himself or herself, he or she must make the utmost effort to convince the
parents. In differences of opinion it seems proper that the individual accommodate the
opinion of the parents as far as possible, and only in extraordinary circumstances should
he persist in his decision. An individual no doubt has total freedom in decision making in
this regard but he should give top priority to the protection of the institution of
family. This freedom is so absolute that Islam disapproves of parents who forcibly marry
their sons and daughters and makes it clear that it is the concerned man and woman who
have the final say in this regard:
A girl once came to
'A'isha and said 'My father has married me to his nephew to alleviate his
poverty through me. I dislike him.' 'A'isha replied 'Wait here until
the Prophet comes.' The Prophet arrived shortly and she informed him of the matter.
At this, the Prophet sent for her father. When he arrived the Prophet gave the girl the
choice to do whatever she liked. She said: 'I accept my father's decision. I only
wanted to know whether a girl has authority in this regard or not'. (Nisaii,
Kitab-un-nikaah)
If in a society envisaged by Islam it is
important that an individual give due regard to the opinion of the parents in marriage, it
is even more important that the parents be extra cautious in this matter since they hold
moral authority over their children. Misuse and abuse of such authority can produce grave
consequences. Parents must give deep consideration to the inclinations and tendencies of
their children in deciding their future in an affair as delicate as marriage. They should
understand that once their children become mentally mature they must not impose their
ideas on them. When an individual develops into a grown up person he deserves freedom of
expression and freedom of action within certain limits. This actually develops and
strengthens his personality. The vivacity of youth and the vigour of adolescence demand a
certain amount of independence, which if curtailed, only turns a dull child into a dunce
and an intelligent one into a ruffian. Adult children must be handled very tactfully. They
must be moulded and convinced, encouraged and exhorted. Parents must realise that an adult
child learns a lot through experience and exposure. The blunders he will commit today make
him wise tomorrow. Parents who forgive and forgo win respect and regard and those who make
it a point to punish the children on every mistake committed make no positive impression
in their minds. Important decisions must always be discussed with children to breed
confidence and conviction in them. A decision as crucial as marriage is no exception. If
parents have a different view from their son's or daughter's, they must handle
the situation very carefully. They must calmly assess the situation, and must also make a
true evaluation of the grounds of such a proposition. They must also estimate how far they
can insist before the matter enters the zone of no return. It is advisable that only in
extreme circumstances should they deprive the couple of their guardianship. They must also
keep in consideration that if they intend to back out from this position, the concerned
man and woman have all the right to present their case before the court to finally decide
the matter. This of course would either unite the two under the guardianship of the state
or endorse the view of the parents, in which case the two must submit to the verdict of
the court. O
This we believe is the stance of Islam on this issue.
We hope that the pundits of the society will find some time to consider this matter in the
light of what has been said above.
Copyright (c) 1997. All Rights Reserved with the Author
Footnotes
*. While commenting
on the role of 'true' parental affection on the development of the child,
Bertrand Russel admits:
On the other hand, parental affection
when it is of the right sort, undoubtedly furthers a child's development. Children whose
mothers do not feel a warm affection for them are apt to be thin and nervous and sometimes
they develop such faults as kleptomania. The affection of the parents makes infants feel
safe in this dangerous world, and gives them boldness in experimentation and in
exploration of their environment. It is necessary to a child's mental life to feel
himself the object of warm affection, for he is instinctively aware of his helplessness,
and his need of a protection which only affection can ensure. If a child is to grow up
happy, expansive and fearless, he needs certain warmth in the environment which is
difficult to get except through parental affection. (Marriage and Morals, p. 127)